I no longer like conspiracy theories... or, how I know god has a sense of humor and might hate me.

In my first post I said I like conspiracy theories.  I love them.  I think they are fascinating, ridiculous, and way overly complicated to explain greed and unrelated events (and yes, I'm aware that's the point of a conspiracy to make things look unrelated when they actually are, but still).

Well, all the fun is over.

So sayeth God.

On a recent trip flying from Southern Cal to Phoenix I sat in the window seat, aisle 8.  I should have known there would have been an issue when I saw the woman in the middle seat was wearing a Stetson and instead of getting up and moving out she tried to get me to "squeeze by".  I just stood there and looked at her until she moved to let me in... I smiled and said something funny, but still, it happened and I should have known.

I sat down and can generally fall asleep during takeoff.  I fell asleep but awoke to an arm across my chest - and I don't just mean across my chest like normally, I mean across my chest like somebody would do it to keep you from walking out into a bus going ninety miles an hour with a bomb on board.  I opened my eyes and she was trying to help the aisle seat person take a picture out the window.  All in my personal space.

We hit 10,000 feet and I logged onto Wifi, paid and everything and this woman started talking.

"Where are you from?"
I answered because that's sort of whatever and not threatening.
"Wisteria," she said, and I told this woman, hat still on, that I didn't know anything about flowers.  She looked offended.

Then she proceeded to ask me about my old job, money laundering, political figures, my thoughts on the 2008 mortgage crisis.

I made the mistake of chatting about these things.

Then... here she went nuts.

A list:

--This has been building for decades - to bankrupt America
--It isn't banks it is multi-nationals though she "knows nothing about the illuminati".
--Her son-in-law is the devil and he thinks that the "world is shifting" and that he is has a horrible look and just stares at her.  She hates him.
--Her job "translating ancient Greek manuscripts" - because that's a job.
--vaccinations
--the water
--the dollar
--the "wetbacks" bringing drugs across the border.
--the rich people are bringing drugs into the poor people to keep them poor.
--the political leaders are part of a big, single scheme.

On and on.  It was the longest hour I have ever lived in my life.  I don't shut up, I keep talking.  I think she's got to be reasonable.  The woman clearly has to be, but sometimes I just answer "yeah, yeah..."

"WHAT DOES 'YEAH, YEAH' MEAN???"  she was pissed off.  I mean like I was concerned that she was going to flip on me.  She kept saying "I think you know more than you're letting on."

I KNOW MORE THAN OTHERS.

MORE THAN OTHERS.

MORE.

I wasn't sure I was going to survive the plane.

When we got to the airport she was waiting on me, she let a few people pass because she was "waiting on her friend" - me, the guy who knows more than others.

I shot a different direction, and almost ran to the bathroom.

And I swore then that H2 and the History Channel would stop being on in my house.  And no more YouTube stuff about Hollow Earth, and Billy Faye Woodward, and the Illuminati.

F'ing Hell.

Anyways...

God exists and apparently I pissed him off with the dinosaurs on the ark jokes...
--