When I find out whose fuckin' cousin you are... The movie Neighbors and how critics liked it...

The movie Neighbors was horrible.

I hated that movie, not because it did something that offended me, but because I sat and watched the unfunny son of a bitch for 50 minutes of my life.  Yes, that's about half the movie, because if I died at the end of it, my life has been wasted.

Also, I saw this shit twice:

Seth Rogen naked will scar me for months.  Look at this pic and know that you'll have to see his twice.  Fucking horrible.

 And somebody compared it to Animal House.

That's actually the point of this post.  This horribly crude - not funny crude, crude crude with not a funny, or clever element at all - movie was WELL RECEIVED BY MOVIE CRITICS.  73% on Rotten Tomatoes.  That's pretty good, if you're confused about how it works - it means that 73% of critics liked it.

Now, I watch a lot of movies.  I don't want much.  Suspend my disbelief, or be smart.  Like, I don't want you trying to win an Academy Award - like Anna and the King - written to be some epic, award winning story, not be a good movie - I just want a decent movie.  Just be a little smart!

Now, here are the fucking critics who are apparently the relatives of the cast:

Also... I can't say apparently without the apparently kid:

Now, back to the relatives of the cast, producers, boom mic guys....

Scott Mendelson of Forbes:Neighbors is a rock-solid comedy. It has a genuinely interesting premise and tells its story with just enough smarts and humanity to make the vulgarity and bawdy humor stick.

Jason Gorber of Moviefone:

Neighbors," quite simply, is one of the funniest films of the year, 

Claudia Puig, USA Today : Neighbors is the Animal House for an era in which food fights seem quaint.

ANIMAL HOUSE.  I'm not a huge fan of Animal House but I do recognize that it set the bar for a college humor, crude genre.  To compare this fucking mess is ridiculous.

73% of critics liked a movie that showed Seth Rogen's naked ass... Twice.

I fully recognize that reading this post, lots of female readers will disregard all of this because Zach Efron is not completely clothed during this movie.  Don't deny, it's ok.

Don't tell me Seth Rogen on mushrooms is funny. Or Rose Byrne running around with sorority girls is humorous. Or Seth Rogen peeing in a fountain. Or Seth Rogen calling the police and then trying to deny calling the police.  Or Zach Efron with his lost eyes playing a stereotypical frat kid.

Also... the movie Chef.  Solid. Good movie - mentioning that before I forget.  Rent that.

Now - if you watched this movie and liked it... well... Zach Efron.  Otherwise, let's get you some more movies to watch.  

Also, go watch 22 Jump Street.  That's funny - actually funny.

One last time - because I had to see it twice:

Sorry - well, not really.

Have fun with your dreams now.

 

I no longer like conspiracy theories... or, how I know god has a sense of humor and might hate me.

In my first post I said I like conspiracy theories.  I love them.  I think they are fascinating, ridiculous, and way overly complicated to explain greed and unrelated events (and yes, I'm aware that's the point of a conspiracy to make things look unrelated when they actually are, but still).

Well, all the fun is over.

So sayeth God.

On a recent trip flying from Southern Cal to Phoenix I sat in the window seat, aisle 8.  I should have known there would have been an issue when I saw the woman in the middle seat was wearing a Stetson and instead of getting up and moving out she tried to get me to "squeeze by".  I just stood there and looked at her until she moved to let me in... I smiled and said something funny, but still, it happened and I should have known.

I sat down and can generally fall asleep during takeoff.  I fell asleep but awoke to an arm across my chest - and I don't just mean across my chest like normally, I mean across my chest like somebody would do it to keep you from walking out into a bus going ninety miles an hour with a bomb on board.  I opened my eyes and she was trying to help the aisle seat person take a picture out the window.  All in my personal space.

We hit 10,000 feet and I logged onto Wifi, paid and everything and this woman started talking.

"Where are you from?"
I answered because that's sort of whatever and not threatening.
"Wisteria," she said, and I told this woman, hat still on, that I didn't know anything about flowers.  She looked offended.

Then she proceeded to ask me about my old job, money laundering, political figures, my thoughts on the 2008 mortgage crisis.

I made the mistake of chatting about these things.

Then... here she went nuts.

A list:

--This has been building for decades - to bankrupt America
--It isn't banks it is multi-nationals though she "knows nothing about the illuminati".
--Her son-in-law is the devil and he thinks that the "world is shifting" and that he is has a horrible look and just stares at her.  She hates him.
--Her job "translating ancient Greek manuscripts" - because that's a job.
--vaccinations
--the water
--the dollar
--the "wetbacks" bringing drugs across the border.
--the rich people are bringing drugs into the poor people to keep them poor.
--the political leaders are part of a big, single scheme.

On and on.  It was the longest hour I have ever lived in my life.  I don't shut up, I keep talking.  I think she's got to be reasonable.  The woman clearly has to be, but sometimes I just answer "yeah, yeah..."

"WHAT DOES 'YEAH, YEAH' MEAN???"  she was pissed off.  I mean like I was concerned that she was going to flip on me.  She kept saying "I think you know more than you're letting on."

I KNOW MORE THAN OTHERS.

MORE THAN OTHERS.

MORE.

I wasn't sure I was going to survive the plane.

When we got to the airport she was waiting on me, she let a few people pass because she was "waiting on her friend" - me, the guy who knows more than others.

I shot a different direction, and almost ran to the bathroom.

And I swore then that H2 and the History Channel would stop being on in my house.  And no more YouTube stuff about Hollow Earth, and Billy Faye Woodward, and the Illuminati.

F'ing Hell.

Anyways...

God exists and apparently I pissed him off with the dinosaurs on the ark jokes...
--

Cringe-worthy movie lines, or "You just F*cked Up a good flick"

I love movies.  I'm talking, love them.  I don't necessarily keep up with actor names, or the process of making a movie or whatever, but I love movies and watching them.  I can obsessively watch a movie almost to the point that it seems like something is absolutely wrong with me.  But, that's a whole other tale - I've probably seen Back to the Future more than 100 times.  Reserve your judgment, Judgey McJudgerson!

I really want a movie to suspend my disbelief - and honestly, I'm willing.  I want to like your idea and run with it.  I WANT to believe your world and your people.  I want to believe that Tom Cruise would be cloned into a 50 year old man over and over and over again instead of cloning him much younger with a longer shelf life.  I want to believe!

I'll start with another Tom Cruise movie - A Few Good Men.  I like this movie - not like "holy fuck this is changing the way I see movies and my life," but it is one of those movies that I can turn on and just leave on and not be pissed about it.  I'm willing to let slide some of the obvious issues - like a "code red" would have to be explained to a jury of peers - military folks.

But here's the line,:

"...and I'm an officer in the United States Navy.  You're under arrest you son of a bitch."

WHY, WHY, WHY??  Why does he have to say "You're under arrest YOU SON OF A BITCH".  Ridiculous.  I'm Ok accepting that Tom Cruise would express his pride of being an officer after Jack N has pissed on him the whole movie.  But YOU SON OF A BITCH is completely out of place.  Completely.  I hate that line.  I hate the thing to the point where I usually bitch about it every time I've watched it.  Which is too much.

I sort of like Revenge of the Sith.  It isn't an outstanding movie, but when compared to Star Wars I and II, the movie isn't bad.  There are lines in that movie that... that... are horrible.  The line for me that I'm really like... UGH... is "from my perspective, the Jedi are evil".  WHY.  Why would anyone upset and falling apart, becoming evil, changing the course of the galaxy come up with a line that says "from my perspective"?  The fuck is this, the state writing test for middle school (Argument paper with three points - first, second, and finally) ?

And I thought about this from the "How It Should Have Ended" thing that was on Starz last night - if anyone is curious.

Pretty Woman - and knowing a lot of the writer types that I follow/follow me are women and will be the ones reading this, I'm OK with including it - it is a cute movie.  It really is.  I'm OK with this movie.  Have seen it too many times.  ANYWAYS... my point is that movie is silly at parts, probably paints the life of a hooker a bit wrong, and not the best message to girls... but why are you ending the movie with "She rescues him right back"?

Now... I know that was the original title of the screen play, and that's wonderful, but that doesn't mean it was good.  It doesn't mean it needs to be in the movie.  I mean Good Will Hunting was originally about some smart kid who was used to do math-science-magic to make weapons or something.  That got kicked out for "How you like them apples?".

Anyways... I welcome ones that you guys have... encourage comments on them.  Please.

So, writers of "Plug and Play" movies where a computer could write them - remove your shitty lines that don't fit.  I'll watch your movie because I do that, I'm weak, and I'll give in to your story about the odd guy who should be loved by the smart woman if he could only change one tiny little thing about himself.  I'll also accept your story about a mannequin that comes to life to help design store windows - and yes, I know that's a greek myth... but David Spader was not a greek myth.  Mannequin is a shitty, shitty movie, but it was on last night, so it came to mind.

Thanks for reading...

Fun Times!

Matthew McConaughey lives in Fayetteville NC and was abducted by UFOs

The Mutual UFO Network, or MUFON, is an awesome group.  They investigate UFOs all over the country.  If you get a call from MUFON, boy you're on the map.  And folks I mean for real, you're getting a visit from experts.

Chris Bledsoe was the focus of a MUFON investigation in like 2007 I think.  The guy lives in Fayetteville NC that was like 45 miles or something from where I went to college my freshman year.  It was a Baptist college and I'm pretty much non-religious.  So, me and the other sinners became great spades players during that time.  It also had separate male and female campuses, and was a dry campus and county - that means no alcohol.

ANYWAYS - Fayetteville was not far away and was known as "Fayettenam" - Like Vietnam with Fayetteville mixed in.  Clever stuff.

This guy, Chris Bledsoe saw some UFOs with some friends, he left, he was abducted after running into an alien in his backyard.

So, the whole story is quite funny and after a polygraph test, Chris failed and his response was hilarious.  BUT... the humor in this whole thing... and truly the point of this long post is that this guy sounds fucking JUST LIKE Matthew McConaughey.  I'm talking just like him.  Close your eyes and there he is Matthew McConaughey.  Talking bird dogs barking at UFOs.

Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6LeJQ87O8U

And what you might be saying to yourself is... "this is funny, but good god, Reggie watches some stupid shit."

This is fact.

Fun Times.

This is my first blog post.  Very first.

I'm a writer - meaning that I enjoy writing and from time to time I get focused enough to actually write something.  "Writer" from time to time is used loosely.

I am HORRIBLE with comma usage.  I ask that you excuse this.  Horrible.  Truly, truly horrible.

This blog may be about lots of things.  I am completely random.  I mean COMPLETELY random.  Some of this I blame on Tourette's (the non-barking kind) and ADHD that has hitched a ride to it.  I like to say that I can cuss you out and you can't do a damn thing about it.

Anyways, Tourette's is my excuse for being random.  Being more truthful it is probably an excuse to write about all this stuff.

I enjoy lots of things.  I LOVE conspiracy theories.  I believe next to none of them, but I am completely, 100% fascinated by what humans can convince themselves of.  When I say I love these theories, I'm saying I am all over anything that is aliens, bigfoot, dinosaurs still living, hollow earth... ANCIENT ASTRONAUT THEORY.

Some of this blog will be debunking nonsense.  Others will be straight up and down making fun of it, people, their shows, what they do.

I really, really worry that I'll offend some folks.  Well, I don't exactly worry, but I like to think think that I worry.  I love stereotypes.  LOVE THEM.  I mean, I think they are fascinating and STUPID FUNNY.

OK.  You've been warned.

--Reggie.